I've been studying English since I was at junior high in Japan. It's been quite a while, and people who know me believe that I can already speak English like a native language. Y'know what, I'm still at the level which you can't really say what you wanna say. Perhaps, it because I wasn't in English speaking country, and too many languages were surrounding me and couldn't concentrate on specific one. The main purpose of my leaving my country was that to learn English. It's been 3 years since then. I understand quite well when others speak, but when it becomes my turn to speak, I just can't. I get frustrated, and also, it loses my confident. On the other hand, during those 3 years, I learned some German, Italian and some other phrases in different languages.
It's been a month since I arrived in Chicago. The things are changing. People who knew me before recognize this change quicker than I realize myself. I'm so afraid that I might lose myself completely. I guess it depends on where you learn, but I started thinking like English is a dangerous language. Or it's possible that I'm only too weak to hold myself tight.
America is an immegrants' country. They all have different backgrounds, and that is how they created the community. I've seen so many Wanna-Be American people who carry different flugs on their backs just arrived in US.
Confessing the truth, I had to throw away or hide part of me in order to speak this language. I can't believe it, but I guess that's what is happening now. Japanese is too different from what I had to face. Don't get me wrong, though. I've not a bit of wish to cut myself from Japan. Rather, I wanna be connected to it all the time.
There's a story about a Puerto Rican girl. She knows she had different background than other American girls when she moved to New York young. But it was her father who didn't want her to show that she was from other place. He was afraid to get discriminated or segregated from Americans as they live in their community. He gets her TV and forbits her to talk with other Latinos or buy stuff from Latino stores.
See that. That's what happens here. Simply, I'm not American and I'm not supposed to enter US as the US government is making stricter laws for immigrants... Or I'm in America, and I'm supposed to act American, which I don't want to.
If this was happening in Japan, I believe, I get sad. As myself being Japanese, to be honest, I don't wanna get interrupted by people from oversea who come to Japan and do stuff there. Here is the critical, controversial point. I also believe that international relationship is necessary and can't ignore it. As each countries are getting closer, they all started mixing their nationalities. It destroys the original nature at the same time creates new mixed nature.
I've been trying to give an answer for similar questions, I guess I'm getting to it. It's not always too easy to be open-minded and accept whatever you see. I've been having difficult to show emotions. It's a gift to judge the world fairly in a way, I'm missing a little human part.
And,
I don't wanna be the wannabe. I'm unique but I hope for being an ordinary Japanese girl,
my parents' girl and pass on to my girl.