once i just didnt wanna bother anybody and wanted to disappear...
edit:
I wanted to disappear. so I wrote. it really moved me when Olivier saw that one sentence and asked me what's going on with me.
I told him it's nothing really but then realized after a while since he asked me, that something wasn't right. I did want to disappear.
I should be glad to be able to express now how i feel and what i am thinking somewhere and somehow now. it's much better than not showing it. I've learned this during past years while i was taken care of my godparents. I am not ill like my aunt. I know what she needed and what she wanted. and i also knew that i wasnt the one who could help her out that time. but true trusts between us keep her alive.
im in a room with two other ppl right now... they're sleeping. then all of a sudden i started feeling...."something wrong" even though i am with those two people.
i couldnt wake them up to tell how i felt. it's 5.30am and i havent slept at all. and i dont think i can fall asleep in another 2 hrs or so. i decided to call random people. it's getting bright outside again. no one picked up the phone. not even my godparents.
i felt....isolated. then i wanted to disappear. inner conflict. one part of me saying clearly that I wanted to be taken care by someone because that's what i need right now, but then, there's differnt part of me saying how much i dont wanna disturb people solely to tell MY personal problem right now. tears. after years of my godmother's effort to make me realize how i feel. now i know what... it's not exactly a frustration, not a boredom...etc,. i feel lonely.
i think i still dont feel fully comfortable with telling my inner thoughts or feelings. i feel like by doing so makes me think as if me giving away my weak points unconciously. i feel like i'd lose me trying to stand tough (which, come to think of it, not even happening). now the loneliness changes to frustration and it's just endless thoughts flowing over my head.... lemme go sleeeeeeeep!
Posted by masha at April 5, 2004 05:50 AM