Masha's rabbit hole

exploration-I need time

i know it's silly and i cant ask for more time, but thats what i really need right now. Its good no one's pushing me around too much except paper dues for school.
i know how it's like to be wanting to depend on someone but at the same time might wish to do all by yourselves. and if i say something unconfident, that makes others to feel uncomfortable to tell me their problems.
face it, there's no way not wanting to help others but in reality, how could i help others when im so messed up and unorganized? i'd feel honored if someone still willing to come up to me and ask for help. i wish i could give all the best advise that i can give as a best friend, but im sorry i can only listen now.
it gives me one of the best quality of preasure when i could be the best help to others than to myself. i'd feel good if i could just throw away all that im doing right now just to go help. and i cant because im as weak as not myself. it's something i dont really wanna admit. I am not ignorant. I do care.

dont wanna admit...that's what most of people think i guess. what you're doing right now is so not you, and you think you can get more. I think, you can get more without thinking that is so not you because it's you who do the stuff you're occupied yourselves in.

小学校中学年の道徳の授業中に習った、「良い友達は自分の鏡だ」っていうのを、今でも覚えてる。確かに、お好み焼きを食べた後、仲の良い友達じゃないと、前歯に青海苔がついてるのを教えるのはむつかしい。誰にでも言ってあげることが優しさかもしれないけど、おしえて嫌味や意地悪に聞こえてしまうことだってあるし。良い友達は褒めることだけじゃなくて、うまく指摘をすることができたりする。
私は小学校高学年時代、中学校時代と繰り返し友達に「構わずいやなことがあったら、じゃんじゃん言っちゃって」と言ってた時がある。遠慮しまくってみんなあまり言ってくれなかったし、ちょっと個人的すぎて、へこむ時もあったけど、そんなんもすっげー感謝してる。すぐ他の人の思い通りに自分の性格や行動を直すことはできない。でも、こうゆう指摘（しかも大抵自分では思いつかなった見当）はすごく役立つ。自分を見直すことが少しでも容易になるから。自己嫌悪するのは簡単だけど、何かを変えようと思わなきゃ、一生自己嫌悪しつづけることになるかもしれないじゃん？