it's been 5 years and on going. this is a growing feeling that i cant hide.
it's not love, it's not depression.
it is loneliness that i've been trying to deal with.
i've learned so much past 5 years to be independent. i'm almost there; that is to be fully confident and no anxiety holding for future. Lonliness, that is something I have to fight against with the strength that i've been trying to obtain, but not yet obtained. observed. learned enough how it feels like to be alone. tried to like it, but the atempt was never actually successful.
i miss having a home to return to, having a family to wait for me there. warmth of home, warmth of family. how much i regret, how much i miss it, those good times won't come back. i was too weak to see what i had to appreciate, because the bad sides of the family overshadowed the good side of having a family (this is only my case) made me blind. i could fight against so that i'd have been in the warm nest that i could have enjoyed. lonliness got me, and wouldn't reliease me. sad face wont be wiped away whenever i try. i cant see my face by myself without a mirror. even when i try to smile, my eyes wont smile. cause, eyes are directly connected to my heart which tells the truth. truths can be seen in my eyes, so i cant hide. so what i choose to do? be alone. stay in my room by myself. that... wouldnt solve anything. i can pretend. i remember the lady in a bar in New York. a random lady... told me my smile is fake. random people know something that i want to hide.