Masha's rabbit hole

a happy kid, hated, after 4 years

well the title doesnt really make sense but those are the words that came to my mind.

i was so mad. mad at what? maybe at myself.
im a unharmful, innocent kid, alright?? Ive totally no intention to kill anybody else like some kid or the kids on news lately. They said stuff like those kids had a problem at home and all, but killing anybody (victims usually nothing to do with them directly) doesnt solve anything.
so i was crying this morning. cause some peeps left me msg (whom i thought was close friend a while ago) saying how LUCKY i am that I get to travel around. (it sounded mean, like 'oh I have so much shit going on in my mind and im broke how could you just take a vacation like that.") he doesnt know im not attached to anybody at all. im always moving now. i cant settle. and i was always alone and i am alone. im always a lone traveller since i was 14. since i was 14 i havent had a "HOME."

friends were more family to me. they've always been. but, it gets sometimes hard. i was 14 and i decided to leave them. just because i wanted to get away from HER. she yelled and hit me for no reason. I think I was a good kid. I was doing good at school, i wasnt a damn kid. i wasnt a trouble maker. but she yelled constantly. kids also feel stress you know. i tried to study as hard as i could even though i was supposed to be a lazy kid (that's i always how i felt... but i never actually was that lazy). whatever i accomplished, i thought SHE would be proud of me. i think it's normal for kids to do that. any kids would do that. SHE was drunk, lazy, stinky and fatty. she's always complaining. im not just mean, i MEAN it. i NEVER liked her. but i wanted to be approved, or maybe get some recognition....

studying abroad was a good innocent reason to get away from her. and it sounds good. i wanted to disappear so many times until the age of 12, but instead, i decided to go very far so she couldnt reach me. it worked good for me. a lot of grown-ups asked me i was very strong to study abroad but if your life is threatened, that's like nothing... rather open door for heaven. plus within 4 years, she called only ONCE to ask me to help my brother with his stupid homework.

some people think Im fucking lazy and spoiled. i dont care ill let them think like that. i ate good food and you guys didnt suckers. but why did this girl have to leave her house at the age of 14, HUH HUH HUH? they should experience what ive experienced and see how much i had to try to be tough and postive over the situation and how much struggle underwent to pretend to smile.

it's been 10 months since i came to chicago and people ask me if my family lives also here. they arnt. ive no relatives on this continent at all. so i am alone. but it doesnt matter. cause i was always alone and i dont even have to ask
to leave me alone.

my lost memories came back fresh and colorful.
the memories that i didnt wanna remember but stayed like new movies. no joke 2 of my brothers tried to kill me when i was little... that was too, after watching a japanese soap opera about a murderer. they didnt like me cause SHE hated me. she thinks i steal and break things.

all the chest pains and stomachaches and nausea and headaches can be explained. as more predenting happy and smiling gets normal, those real pains inside come out in some ways, cause they cannot be hidden.

i heard from one of my friends that a lot of japanese people hate japan or talk shit about japan. i never hated japan. and it's not the first time i heard of this. it's so sad. maybe some people might think im one of those people who dislike japan so im away from it. but that's not it. i wanna go back there but cant go back too close.

i am 19 and legal. so i can do whatever i want. and i can have my own family which i always wanted. but, japanese FAMILY doesnt break that easy. my family ties cannot break that easily. and whatever happened before and how the situation isnt that happy, i dun wanna break it either.

i dunno this was what i was thinking this morning. i cried too. it's normal for anybody to wish for more even though they're not always unhappy being, no?
some people might call me a cheater cause i only tell them the part of my life that sounds good and avoid parts that makes it sound shady. cause im a person who moves forward. past can never change and sometimes it's unnccessary to look back. i just dont mention some parts and so i can defend myself from not being a cheater.
my life isnt fake.

i am happy cause i dun wanna be always feeling sorrow and miserable while there's a chance to be happy.

Posted by masha at June 7, 2004 2:10 PM