なんか、ちょっと最近、ハイパーぷらすへこみ気味だったけど、いろんな悩みだとか考えとかがらせんってるうちに、更にいらいらしてきて、最後には（約6分前、シャワーから出てきた時には）もぉばかばかしくなって、なんだか全然落ち込んでるよりも、やる気がでてきたッヾ(≧へ≦)〃 まけてたまるかぁああああああ！！！！！！
なんか外とかぴーちくぱーちく言ってるし、まじまたすぐへこむかもしれないけど、今はとりあえずいい気分っ♪今日しかも授業1コしかないし・・・。後で部屋帰ってきたら、音信不通になってた親と連絡とってみよっと。・・・ってか親だったらふつー連絡してきてもいいはずなのにねぇ。存在消されてるっ？ 笑）
まじ、みんなにカツいれてもらわんと！！！！！(>_<)
はは～ん、また弱音をはいたら真剣鬼ごっこでおもいっきし走りまわって、いやなこと全部忘れてやるっっっっっ！！！！だーーーーーーーーーーーーっ。
i know it's silly and i cant ask for more time, but thats what i really need right now. Its good no one's pushing me around too much except paper dues for school.
i know how it's like to be wanting to depend on someone but at the same time might wish to do all by yourselves. and if i say something unconfident, that makes others to feel uncomfortable to tell me their problems.
face it, there's no way not wanting to help others but in reality, how could i help others when im so messed up and unorganized? i'd feel honored if someone still willing to come up to me and ask for help. i wish i could give all the best advise that i can give as a best friend, but im sorry i can only listen now.
it gives me one of the best quality of preasure when i could be the best help to others than to myself. i'd feel good if i could just throw away all that im doing right now just to go help. and i cant because im as weak as not myself. it's something i dont really wanna admit. I am not ignorant. I do care.
dont wanna admit...that's what most of people think i guess. what you're doing right now is so not you, and you think you can get more. I think, you can get more without thinking that is so not you because it's you who do the stuff you're occupied yourselves in.
小学校中学年の道徳の授業中に習った、「良い友達は自分の鏡だ」っていうのを、今でも覚えてる。確かに、お好み焼きを食べた後、仲の良い友達じゃないと、前歯に青海苔がついてるのを教えるのはむつかしい。誰にでも言ってあげることが優しさかもしれないけど、おしえて嫌味や意地悪に聞こえてしまうことだってあるし。良い友達は褒めることだけじゃなくて、うまく指摘をすることができたりする。
私は小学校高学年時代、中学校時代と繰り返し友達に「構わずいやなことがあったら、じゃんじゃん言っちゃって」と言ってた時がある。遠慮しまくってみんなあまり言ってくれなかったし、ちょっと個人的すぎて、へこむ時もあったけど、そんなんもすっげー感謝してる。すぐ他の人の思い通りに自分の性格や行動を直すことはできない。でも、こうゆう指摘（しかも大抵自分では思いつかなった見当）はすごく役立つ。自分を見直すことが少しでも容易になるから。自己嫌悪するのは簡単だけど、何かを変えようと思わなきゃ、一生自己嫌悪しつづけることになるかもしれないじゃん？
i have been really busy. im sorry for those who check this regularly and nothing really has been updated. finally i got my sleep back yesterday and i slept from 5pm to 8am this morning. so that was good. i havent really talked with my spritural leaders for a while and myself didnt have much time just to lay down and listen to music and just, y'know, one of my important time to do nothing. Kei from high school was staying with me for a while and back to school stuff and all that.... anyways, lemme now translate this to japanese....
最近とても忙しかった～～～～～～～(ノ≧ρ≦）ノ
いつも定期的にこのページをチェックしてる人にはずっと何も変わってなくてつまんないとか思われてそう・・・。すんまそん(>_<) でも、昨日は午後5時から今朝の8時までという15時間睡眠をやっととれたから、最近の超睡眠不足からは開放されたみたい☆また学校やらなんやらで忙しいけど、がんばりまっする♪
スイスのアメリカンスクールで一緒だった景ってコが遊びに来てたんだよね～～。5日間くらい。でも昨日の朝帰っちゃったけど・・・。それじゃあまた時間ができたらアップデートします。
写真はいろいろ新しいのが加わってるので見てみてください。
once i just didnt wanna bother anybody and wanted to disappear...
edit:
I wanted to disappear. so I wrote. it really moved me when Olivier saw that one sentence and asked me what's going on with me.
I told him it's nothing really but then realized after a while since he asked me, that something wasn't right. I did want to disappear.
I should be glad to be able to express now how i feel and what i am thinking somewhere and somehow now. it's much better than not showing it. I've learned this during past years while i was taken care of my godparents. I am not ill like my aunt. I know what she needed and what she wanted. and i also knew that i wasnt the one who could help her out that time. but true trusts between us keep her alive.
im in a room with two other ppl right now... they're sleeping. then all of a sudden i started feeling...."something wrong" even though i am with those two people.
i couldnt wake them up to tell how i felt. it's 5.30am and i havent slept at all. and i dont think i can fall asleep in another 2 hrs or so. i decided to call random people. it's getting bright outside again. no one picked up the phone. not even my godparents.
i felt....isolated. then i wanted to disappear. inner conflict. one part of me saying clearly that I wanted to be taken care by someone because that's what i need right now, but then, there's differnt part of me saying how much i dont wanna disturb people solely to tell MY personal problem right now. tears. after years of my godmother's effort to make me realize how i feel. now i know what... it's not exactly a frustration, not a boredom...etc,. i feel lonely.
i think i still dont feel fully comfortable with telling my inner thoughts or feelings. i feel like by doing so makes me think as if me giving away my weak points unconciously. i feel like i'd lose me trying to stand tough (which, come to think of it, not even happening). now the loneliness changes to frustration and it's just endless thoughts flowing over my head.... lemme go sleeeeeeeep!